Values

I was reflecting on the idea of values this week.

It’s a life journey to find them, but even more so to commit to them. Upholding a value is the sincerest form of love for yourself and others.

You can’t 99% a value. Because that 1% of deviation makes the difference between a mere convenience versus a true ideal.

So, when it comes to values, a reminder to myself: be absolutely resolute—100% or nothing.

P.S. It’s my blog anniversary! 5 years of writing weekly. Thank you for being on this journey with me for half a decade.

Known

I came across this quote from Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti.

“One is never afraid of the unknown; one is afraid of the known coming to an end.”

Regularity and routine have given me comfort for most of my life. So when things changed — an abrupt end, a sharp deviation — it was difficult to manage the spike in anxiety. I could feel resistance in my heart when losing familiarity.

But as I get older, I am learning to loosen my grip and foster the trust I have in myself to manage any change that comes—planned or not. Less security, more serendipity.

Books

I’ve always been a slow reader. I thumb through the pages back and forth — or I daydream for a while about a character or a scenario. This means it can take months to finish.

I was amazed (and a bit sheepish) to learn how others can fly through books, even completing some in just a day. Was I missing something?

I saw this quote from educator Mortimer Alder on books: “In the case of good books, the point is not to see how many of them you can get through, but rather how many can get through to you.”

It resonated. Volume and speed are not the north star, but impact. So I need to focus less on how fast it is and more on how it feels.

Halved

I came across a lovely quote adapted from a Danish proverb: “A problem shared is a problem halved.”

How true. It’s easy to let our troubles brew in our heads—which can mushroom when we stay silent. But a small act of courage to reach out to a loved one — “I am struggling” or “I need help” — can do so much good to ease the burden.

With myself, I’ve noticed I can slip into self-reliance shame. “Shouldn’t I be able to figure this out?”

And if I muster something, it’s a version of polished pain—where I layer in deflectors: “It’s fine” or “It’s all good” when that could be further than the truth. It’s something I continue to work on telling how it is, not how it should feel.

A reminder to myself: Less lone wolf. Don’t shoulder it alone!

Lunch

My company moved to a new office last week—a beautiful space in Chelsea. As our team settles into the new digs, we’re all starting to come in multiple days.

Something new: we have an area for lunch. Around noon, many folks come to sit and chit-chat. Even if it’s for 10 minutes, I realized how wonderful it is to shoot the breeze with colleagues informally.

As I reflected, it’s been increasingly difficult to get a regular group of people to meet every day, especially after Covid. I was nostalgic about my school days.

Every weekday, you would sit with your friends in the cafeteria for almost an hour. Just hanging, chatting, laughing. No calendar invites + scheduling conflicts. And you felt excited to go to school to see your people. The learning was a bonus :)

It made me appreciate how much a consistent, accessible community can restore us. Even if things aren’t as simple anymore, a good reminder to seek out (and plan) ways to connect.

XXXIV

I turned 34 this week! In numerology, the number is associated with creativity, self-expression, and communication (I’ll take it!)

Some reflections entering this year:

• 🌙 A good day may take all day. We’ve all had mornings where we wake up with dread. And as we meander on, the daily stress and irritation build. A classic “bad day” in the making. As I’ve gotten older, I realize even the smallest little glimmer of light — slinking into a made bed, taking a hot shower, even a small piece of chocolate — can breathe a fresh end into a lousy beginning. So I may not know it’s a good day until the final hour.

• 💟 Nothing but your company. After moving to a new city and living solo, I spent much time thinking about friendship. As people have moved in and out of my life, I realized the most fulfilling and lasting relationships are built on one thing: just their company. Nothing more. If both parties make an effort and get joy by doing nothing with each other, it’s a mark of something special.

• 🕊️ What’s holding me together? As life twists and turns in mysterious ways, it’s easy to get stretched apart. I’ve felt not enough at various times and places— fixating on things that may tear me apart. A reminder to gently shift my narrative to a new question: what’s holding me together? Go back to the essentials: my health, my people, my faith, and my purpose.

Meteor

The writing of James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, continually inspires me. I remembered a statement he had:

"On the ground, a rock is just a rock. But when moving at high speed through the atmosphere, a rock becomes a meteor — alive with fire and burning bright.

People are not so different. Without activity, we are lifeless and dull. When moving fast and taking action, we come alive."

Totally agree. It made me think of two things:

• Momentum is amazing. Small acts can compound. Little actions can snowball. And soon that BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) can feel closer than ever.

• The right alchemy of an environment and community can fuel my brightest light. Have I audited my atmosphere?

For the 100

I was thinking back to a conversation I had in high school with one of my best friends, Aakash.

We were talking about the results of a recent test. Aakash had done exceptionally well and got a perfect score, and I asked him about his approach: How did you do it?

And I still remember his response: I studied for the 100. It felt straightforward at the time, but I realized what it meant over the years. He didn’t study to get the basics down. Or even enough to get a 90 and call it a day.

He put in the ultimate preparation. No stone unturned. The extra rigor and effort to cover all his bases. The output could have turned out differently, but he mastered his input to put himself in a place to succeed.

A great lesson back then on locus of control — we can influence our destiny. And it later led me to appreciate one of my favorite quotes from Abraham Lincoln:

”I will prepare, and someday my chance will come.”

Doorknobs

My brother Sameer sent me a fascinating article on good conversation. The key? Giving doorknobs.

People can be categorized as givers (ask questions, invite conversation) or takers (make statements, drive conversation). Both are valuable, but imbalances can lead to problems.

Givers can pepper with mundane questions, or takers can command too much of the spotlight.

The author’s advice is to focus on giving virtual doorknobs (or affordances) for people to easily latch on to and open a conversation door:

• Ask a deeper question. (e.g ‘What has made you smile recently?’ vs. ‘How are you?’)

• Make a bolder claim. (e.g. ‘I flew through an absolute page-turner that you’ll love!’ vs. ‘I read a cool book.’)

He ended with a great quotation:

”Talking to another person is like rock climbing, except you are my rock wall and I am yours. If you reach up, I can grab onto your hand, and we can both hoist ourselves skyward. Maybe that’s why a really good conversation feels a little bit like floating.”

Golden Mirror Rule

I came across a lovely tweet this week.

Since childhood, we are taught to treat others with pillars of the Golden Rule. Kindness, respect, dignity and love. We show love the same way we’d like to receive it.

But as we all know: the way we treat ourselves can be incredibly damaging. Our cruelest enemy stares back at us in the mirror. The best is left for others, but none for ourselves.

So this was a great reframing of the Golden Mirror Rule: Be gentle with yourself—as gentle as you are with others.

Moso Bamboo

I found a nerdy tidbit the other day: Moso Bamboo.

Bamboo is generally known as an incredibly quick to grow—named the fastest-growing woody plant on Earth—and reaches close to 100 feet. Most quickly germinate and ascend in a matter of days.

But one type of bamboo is different. Instead of immediately sprouting, Moso Bamboo is a champion of patience. It waits not months but years before coming up.

It adopts a “wait and see” approach. During its years underground, the Moso seed monitors environmental conditions: soil moisture, temperature, and even the presence of other plants. Only when certain thresholds are met does the seed finally decide to sprout.

It made me chuckle. I thought of two things: 1) We can have all the talent in the world— but timing, environment, and luck make as much of a difference, and 2) an overnight success is 10 years in the making. 🎋

Brainwriting

This week at work, I was part of some strategy sessions. We were tasked to think through the future of our business.

A lot of blue-sky thinking. We had to step back and brainstorm all possible horizons. As I was reflecting on my career, a typical brainstorm…didn’t go that well.

Whenever someone scheduled one, it was just cross-talk where the loudest voices got the most airtime. And that silenced other key voices, missing out on a huge opportunity. Not super effective.

But what we’ve done at our company—and has taken shape in the last few years—is brainwriting. The meeting lead (or team) puts together a doc with all their thinking. And then everyone is given a pre-read - plus 15 minutes to silently read during the meeting. Folks write ideas and comments directly in the doc independently and asynchronously.

It does three things: 1) lets all comments have equal standing, 2) allows thinking to flourish when it makes sense for the attendee, and 3) captures everything in written form to process later. A triple win!

Fantastic way to move from a messy storm to a clearer sky.

Credit: @researchdoodles by Marissa Solomon Shandell

Hidden Potential

I finished a book this past week: Hidden Potential by Adam Grant. Dr. Grant is an organizational psychologist and professor at Wharton.

The book dives into how anyone can rise to achieve greater things. He explores practical strategies and system design to cultivate traits and create opportunities for hidden potential to blossom.

Sharing a few nuggets that spoke to me:

• Build character skills. Personality is how you respond on a typical day, and character is how you respond on a hard day. When opportunity doesn’t knock, look to build a door — or climb through a window. Talent determines where you start, but character determines how far you climb.

• Set a mistake budget. Grant reviewed research on polyglots — people who can speak multiple languages — and asked how people learn so many languages. His finding? Put yourself in the ring before you’re ready. And give yourself a mistake budget. “I will mess up 10 times” so you ruminate less.

  • You don’t need to get comfortable before you practice. Your comfort grows as you practice.

• Ask for advice, not feedback. Feedback is backward-looking and focuses on criticism/celebration of the past. Advice is forward-looking and gives people the ability to coach you.

  • A good tip. Find credible, caring people familiar with your work. Ask them to score your work from 1 to 10. Then ask, “How can I get this closer to a 10 next time? What’s one thing I can do better?"

• Getting unstuck. When you’re languishing, reframe your approach. Can you make it fun? Can you do something different? Are you taking rest? This is not a waste of time but an investment in well-being.

• Combating imposter syndrome: The way you talk to yourself is vital. A good way to flip your thinking when you doubt yourself: use “yet”.

  • Imposter syndrome: “I don’t know what I’m doing; it’s only a matter of time until everyone finds out.”

  • Growth mindset: “I don’t know what I’m doing yet. It’s only a matter of time until I figure it out.”

We all hope to live up to our potential (and hopefully, exceed it.)

But as Grant concludes: The ultimate mark of potential is not the height of the peak you’ve reached, but the distance you’ve traveled—and helped others travel.

What I'm Hearing

I had a work scenario this week that had some tension. I dropped the ball on a project with a colleague, leaving a sour taste in our mouths. I decided to meet with this person.

I took them for a coffee, shared an apology, and built a plan forward. I felt we both left that conversation with trust.

What helped me was a tip I heard from a leader. You can listen, but don’t forget to hear. Tell them what you heard.

Listening is receiving, but hearing is processing. In this situation, I received feedback when we met. Rather than jumping to respond, I tried saying: “Here’s what I’m hearing: A, B, C. Is that right?”

It did a few things: I could honor the feedback properly and process it by saying it aloud. Then shift to tactics to move forward. A healthier feedback loop to get to a growth mindset.

"Action!" vs "Okay..."

I saw an interesting clip of filmmaker Clint Eastwood discussing his directing style.

Most directors use the phrase “Action!” to proceed with the shot and cue the actors to perform. But Eastwood never says that. He uses a softer “Okay..” before he begins.

Why the shift? He explains: “Because “action” jars people’s nerves. I don’t want that. I want to start and get people at their very best. And that means keeping their nervous system under wraps.”

Such a nice example of how small changes can make a big difference. Tone, words, and delivery all matter in leadership to set people up for success.

Just Ship It

Happy New Year! I know many of us are excited to kick off 2024.

As someone fond of planning, I also want to ensure the opposite: acting.

It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to look amazing. It just needs to be enough for a great outcome.

A reminder to myself: don’t dawdle too long. Plan (to a point), build, and then just ship it. 🚢

Crowded Table

As 2023 closes, I hope all of you got to spend time with your loved ones in the last few weeks.

I liked this sentence that honored this sentiment:

“Success is having a crowded table. At the end of your life, success will be a family that comes together and spends time together and wants to be with you.”

At life's twilight, how lucky will you be with a table like this. The clinking of forks against plates, the belly laughs of children—with soft music and a warm meal.

What a wonderful thing to remember. Happy 2024!

Yukkuri

As we wind down the year and enter the holidays, I’m reminded of a lovely word: yukkuri.

Yukkuri is a Japanese for “slowly” or "leisurely.” The concept encourages people to find harmony and peace in their daily routines, urging them to savor each experience and moment rather than rushing through them.

For example, the Japanese embue this in sado (tea drinking) and ikebana (flower arranging). It’s a gentle invitation to step back from life and to embrace each moment with intention and tranquility.

Very fitting! Hope all of us can enjoy a little ゆっくり (yukkuri) before the end of the year — a period without haste.

Yes, and...

I’ve always been fond of improvisational comedy (or improv). The remarkable effect of creating art in real-time, weaving spontaneous reactions into something unexpected.

It’s been fun to dabble as a beginner, but seeing the masters at work is something else. Creating comedy from scratch with no plan or notes — and doing it live and making it funny? That’s pure talent.

One concept of improv that has stuck with me is “Yes, and…”. Simply put, you accept what another performer gives (with a ‘yes’) and build on it with a twist (with an ‘and’). No matter how bizarre the suggestion is — you never shut down a suggestion with a “but.”

Together, you keep the story moving forward, like writing a novel in turns. And it’s magical to see something beautiful (and surprisingly cohesive) come to bear when everyone trusts that process.

I was reflecting on how this concept can apply to our lives. So much randomness and chaos can reign down on us. If we fight and force it, it can cause the story to unravel. But if we can accept the offering of what’s given —no matter what — and run with it?

That’s a story that could have a sweet ending.

Art of Anticipation

As 2024 knocks, my mind drifts with plans. The details start to swirl: Timing? Location? Company?

It creates a curious feeling of excitement. This sentiment was confirmed when I read Brett & Kate McKay's post exploring the connection between experiences and dopamine.

They wrote: “The key is not just to do new things but to wait to do them. When you delay the gratification of your desire and can look forward to a concrete time at which it will be fulfilled, you allow the delicious pleasure of anticipation to slowly crescendo as it draws closer.”

They went further: plan out your leisure + recreation.

• Schedule "micro-adventures" for the week: a weekend hike or dinner date.

• Choose when you visit that bookstore and bakery that you’ve been meaning to go to — and organize it with a friend you haven’t seen in a little.

It resonated. Savor the build-up!

Source: Brett & Kate McKay